The last few days have been pretty tough. I haven't been feeling myself and I'm completely home sick. I wish I didn't feel so down, but I can't help it. Don't get me wrong, things are going well in my life, overall. I've just come to another crossroad.
I've been obsessively thinking about my next move. When I know I should just take it easy and let life happen. Easier said then done!
Last week, between rehearsals and shooting I was swamped. All my days non-stop, which I love. Now it's quite. My loneliness is setting in. When you're on the road you have a lot of down time. Room to grow as an individual. Really get to the core of what truly matters to you.
People will always judge you and society has set certain standards and guidelines. So, if you haven't done x,y,z by the time you're a certain age then there must be a problem, right? Because every one is expected to live up or even live down to these standards.
When you worry about what other people think then you start living for them. Claim your own life. Do what makes you happy. You don't want to look back and not be excited about the life you have created. At the end of the day you only have yourself to blame.
My whole perspective on life has been shifting. I never thought I'd be where I'm at. God has truly stepped in. I now know my heart and soul is with the Lord. I came to Cape Town to work, but God had much deeper plans in store for me. I started reading the bible. Then I found a wonderful church. Aside from going to Catholic school most of my life, I was never the type to go to church on Sundays, ever!
It's interesting how life plays out. When I first started in this industry I just wanted to be on every front cover, I wanted fame! I wanted to be like Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, etc. Now that has all changed. I don't want to chase money. I don't want to chase fame. I want to be truly happy. I want to be in the arms of the man that I love. I want to create memories with the people that matter most to me. I want to be a positive influence and make a difference. I want to inspire..
I was recently told an agency in India wants me. AMAZING opportunity! I've heard many great things about the country and jobs out there. So why not, right? Thing is, I can't continue to be selfish. I have the most amazing man waiting for me at home. I'm sorry, but when you've found the one, you've found the one.
Once it was confirmed that I could go from here to Mumbai, India I started thinking should I keep going or should I go home? Weighing my independence and the life I want to start in L.A. I choose love!
Fortunately for me I have a man that wants me to continue to grow and is understanding. He wants me to live with no regrets. He wants me to still go to India. So, I'll head back home and see where life will take me from there. You can't always "plan" everything. You just have to ask yourself... "Will it bring me happiness?"