The enemy lurks, not in the distance, but by my side. He hovers over me. Manipulating me, tricking me, playing with me. Grinning ever so slightly as I fall. I hate him and all that he is, all that he represents. Unlocking my heart because to keep this in is to slowly die a painful death. Rotting me from the inside. I stiffen from discomfort. I fall to my face in shame, in guilt. How do I get out? How do I break these non-existent chains I am convinced I'm tied to. My nose tickles from the swelling of blood rushing to my face as the pain rises. The pain I feel throughout my whole body. The kind of pain that inspires. As an artist, I feed off this fuel. Toxic fuel. Unleashing the very human side of me that feels deeply. I stare through the window, through the tress, through the blue we call sky. I'm not even here right now. I have drifted off, into confusion. My flesh tired from the thoughts I keep on repeat. Silly thoughts that try to grab hold of me. No idea what steps to take. No idea what to do with my life, with my time. Well, I have a very clear idea, a clear thought as to what I should be doing. Writing. I want to write day in and day out. I need to. I have to. I will. Nothing is holding me back but myself. Fear. I dislike that word. False. Evidence. Appearing. Real. Why? Vulnerability. That's why. Exposing my true self for people to see. For strangers to see! I quiver at the thought of being exposed. Seeing my naked body, trying to hide from the eyes that look. The eyes that judge. You see, it's all about perspective. I'm focusing on all the bad. It is truth, but there is also the truth that I will inspire. That I will help someone by taking a risk, by putting myself out there for all to see. A scary and liberating place to be. As I write all of this I am criticizing myself. I am comparing myself to other writers. I am asking myself, "what's the point? Why am I writing this particular thing and what am I getting at?' You see, I have no freaken clue. I am just writing without a filter. I am letting my mind ramble on this keyboard, filling this white space, through the movement of my fingers. A dimension I am fascinated by. Technology. Machines. They scare the shit out of me. I'm constantly waiting for my phone to talk back to me. That's what movies will do to you, plant a seed. We all plant seeds, daily, don't we. What kind of seeds have I been planting? Good ones? Bad ones? I know the Lord has used me to plant seeds of faith in others. Seeds I may or may not see grow. Every good gift our God has given us can be used for evil. I don't want to be used that way. I want to shine His light. I want to be a faithful servant who worships Christ day and night. Passionate about my one true love. Unworthy of His perfect love. He brings me to my knees. I know He forgives me, but do I forgive myself? I am too hard on myself. I know this. I know I can never be perfect. It just pains me that I am hurting my Father. I saw God in my mom the other day. I expressed an addiction of mine. There was an immense amount of shame as I spoke my words. You know what my mother did? She listened. She didn't judge me. She loves me no matter what. My Father in heaven loves me even more! It's hard to even wrap my mind around that. How awesome and beautiful is that gift we have received through Grace. It blows my mind. It humbles my mind and heart. As I continue to analyse myself I realized my whole mind and vibe has shifted dramatically as I write these words. We all have a different way of dealing, processing and handling things.. I like to sit in the reality of my pains, I like to swim in the disgust. I can't pretend I'm okay when I'm not. It helps me to get through my problems instead of trying to go around them. When we try to skip out on your true emotions, it's only a matter of time until we have to deal with them, head on. It'll stare you dead in the face. No more running. No more hiding. And, I've wanted to run away many times. Why deal when you can easily turn your back. It's so easy to look the other way. To walk out of a hard situation. We need to ask ourselves, is it worth fighting for? What am I supposed to learn? Life is calling me. I must dive deep into my day. Hoping I can learn and do for others today. Praying I am sheltered by the blood of Jesus as I walk into battle. I am being ripped away from this keyboard. Why must the inspiration call when time is running out...
